From Santa Claus himself to John McClane.
It’s almost Christmas, and whether you celebrate the holiday or not, nobody can deny that Christmas movies are the fabric of the holiday season. Whether it’s watching John McClane climb through an air duct with only the aid of his Zippo, or Buddy the Elf making his gross breakfast spaghetti, holiday movies shape this time of year.
This all got us thinking. Is there an equivalent for every NFL quarterback across the wide array of holiday favorites? Let’s see what we can do here.
AFC East
Josh Allen: Ralphie, A Christmas Story
Has a gun. Constant fear he’ll shoot his eye out
Tua Tagovailoa: Rudolph, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Gets entirely too much credit for the work of those behind him
Mac Jones: Hermey the Elf, Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
People want him to be something he does not want to be. Should probably be a dentist like he wants.
Aaron Rodgers: The Grinch, How The Grinch Stole Christmas!
Lives alone. Family relationships unknown. Hates traditions
Zach Wilson: Han Solo, Star Wars Holiday Special
He’d rather be doing something else.
AFC West
Russell Wilson: Cousin Catherine, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Lately when he cooks the turkey bursts open like a corpse.
Patrick Mahomes: Kermit the Frog, A Muppet Christmas Carol
Pretty self-explanatory, right?
Aidan O’Connell: Scott Calvin, The Santa Clause
The main guy is gone, so now it’s his turn to show he’s fit for the job
Justin Herbert: Ebenezer Scrooge, A Muppet Christmas Carol
Does brilliant solo work, despite being surrounded by muppets
AFC North
Lamar Jackson: Kevin McCallister, Home Alone
Runs around non stop without enough help, but still having his enemies fall for his traps
Joe Burrow: Argyle, Die Hard
Will miss all the action and instead listen to music in a limo.
Joe Flacco: Bert, Bert & Ernie Exchange Christmas Presents
Kenny Pickett: Donald Trump, Home Alone 2
Small hands. Will only have the job for one term.
AFC South
C.J. Stroud: Fred Claus, Fred Claus
Stepped into the role not knowing if he could do the job and saved everything.
Gardner Minshew: The Conductor, The Polar Express
Has a tremendous mustache. Is just along for the ride.
Trevor Lawrence: The reindeer, Prancer
Beautiful but wounded. Has great hair.
Will Levis: Detective John McClane, Die Hard
Vascular. Probably wearing a tank top.
NFC East
Dak Prescott: Frosty, Frosty The Snowman
Melts as soon as things heat up
Tommy DeVito: The leg lamp, A Christmas Story
Got it on a whim. Also must be Italian.
Jalen Hurts: Howard Langston, Jingle All the Way
Is built like a freight train. Will run you over to get what he wants.
Sam Howell: Male lead, Every Hallmark Christmas movie
Not very important, but mostly there because a guy has to be in this role
NFC West
Kyler Murray: Jack Doyle, 8-Bit Christmas
Would rather spend his time playing video games.
Matthew Stafford: Santa Claus, Violent Night
Old, jaded veteran that reclaimed the magic to come out on top.
Brock Purdy: Buddy the Elf, Elf
Nobody is really sure if this goofy white dude is magic or not.
Geno Smith: Billy Mack, Love Actually
Pulled off the mammoth comeback to become a rock star again
NFC North
Justin Fields: George Bailey, It’s A Wonderful Life
Poor dude just can’t catch a break
Jared Goff: Santa Claus, A Miracle on 34th Street
Has people believing in magic again.
Jordan Love: Nick Kringle, Noelle
Inherited the job. People doubt whether he’s up to it.
Kirk Cousins: The piece of Asparagus, Veggie Tales’ The Star of Christmas
Big. Unoffensive performance that has no meaning other than “vague Christianity”
NFC South
Desmond Ridder: One of toys on the island of misfit toys, Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Nobody wants to play with poor, broken, cast-out Desmond.
Bryce Young: Little Cindy Lou Who, How The Grinch Stole Christmas!
Small. Overly nice. Still believes in magic
Derek Carr: Kevin’s dad, Home Alone
Nobody understands why he has that much money.
Baker Mayfield: Eliot Loudermilk, Scrooged
Solid performer. Got his job back after being fired.
