Photo by VCG/VCG via Getty Images
Don’t melt, Brock.
Brock Purdy has a vice grip on the starting job for the 49ers this season. How much of a lock is Purdy to start? Well, it’s pretty damn definitive.
Kyle Shanahan told Albert Breer that “Brock Purdy would have to melt in practice to lose the starting job.”
I don’t even remember Shanahan talking about Garoppolo like this after 2017, but this is how you inject confidence into a second-year starting quarterback.
— Akash Anavarathan (@akashanav) August 15, 2023
It’s one thing to talk in platitudes about having faith in a QB, or say he’s leading the competition — another to say the only way he would lose the job would be to physically melt into a puddle of fleshy goo.
We don’t want to jinx anyone, nor would we like to see Brock Purdy dissolve into mush, but here are some possible ways Purdy could lose the job.
tk ways Brock Purdy could actually melt
You know how f****** hot it is? He could literally just step outside.
He could choose … poorly.
3. He could drink a solution of >50% hydrofluoric acid
4. Brock Purdy could become an M&M, in which case he wouldn’t melt in your hand, just your mouth — aka The Purdy Mouth.
5. He picks a fight with Madara Uchiha
6. Everything could be fine
7. “Charizard, use flamethrower!” It was extremely effective.
8. It turns out he’s a snowman, which is why we haven’t seen him since winter
9. Brock Purdy didn’t roll a high enough heat defense number.
10. Brock Purdy is actually made of rich, creamery butter
11. He got on Kane’s bad side.
12. He’s actually the Wicked Witch of the NFC West and it rains in San Fran:
13. Brock Purdy is a freezer and the power went out
14. He forgot how attractive Jimmy Garoppolo is, saw him, and just melted
15. He walks around Disneyland during peak visiting hours.
16. He just couldn’t let go of the One Ring
17. He got into his car after a long day of practice.
18. He tried to swim in acid like The Joker, but never came up
19. Kyle “Icarus” Shanahan flew him too close to the sun.
20. He tried renting the movie “Hot Rod” but something went terribly, terribly wrong.
21. He could take on Naaslaarum and Voslaarum and lose.
22. He turns into a Salvador Dalí painting.
23. He takes a trip to the German town of Gräfenhainichen in July 2024.
