Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images
Here’s a (not entirely serious) look at what to expect in Las Vegas this week.
Las Vegas is home to thousands of beautiful people as well as Mark Davis. Beautiful people love to party, so this is shaping up to be the wildest Super Bowl week ever. Here’s a helpful preview of what’s going on.
MONDAY — Things kick off with the not-at-all-awkwardly-titled “Super Bowl Opening Night Fueled by Gatorade.” This is the media’s chance to interview both teams. Players will face hundreds of reporters and photographers. So now the average player can experience what it feels like to be Travis Kelce going out for a gallon of milk.
There will also be plenty of NFL coaches and staff in attendance, making it an ideal networking opportunity for those wanting an entry-level job. Expect plenty of fresh-faced college graduates and Bill Belichick to come waving resumes.
TUESDAY — This is the perfect day to visit SkyJump, Vegas’ favorite destination for daredevils. You jump from the 108th floor of the Strat Hotel attached to a cord for your safety. In light of the Dan Quinn hiring, Washington Commanders fans can start to prepare their hearts for blown leads in big moments with a few turns on this thing.
WEDNESDAY — The Super Bowl Experience opens at the Mandalay Bay South Convention Center. Here you will find the Vince Lombardi Trophy and a collection of all 57 Super Bowl rings. Hmm, Vegas and valuable jewels? Sounds like the perfect plot for Oceans 14 — or should I say Oceans XIV.
The Experience will allow football fans to compete in a 40-yard dash against LEDs of star players. Vegas has set the O/U on massive coronaries at 17.5.
You can also get your photo taken with the Vince Lombardi Trophy. This represents Kyle Shanahan’s best chance to touch the Lombardi Trophy.
THURSDAY NIGHT — The Playmakers Party is being held at AZILO Pool & Lounge. Invited guests include Terrell Owens and Jay Cutler. For fun, stand behind Owens and Cutler and loudly ask, “What, was it too expensive to invite guys who’ve actually won a Super Bowl?”
FRIDAY — The Venetian hosts an NFL Wives Fashion Show. Your chance to innocently smile at a woman and then get your ass kicked by a Ravens defensive lineman.
Music fans know The Sphere is the latest Vegas must-see. Friday night, U2 continues their run of shows. The Sphere is a mammoth 875,000 square feet, a size necessary to house Bono’s ego.
SATURDAY AFTERNOON — Gronk Beach. Renowned lunkhead Rob Gronkowski hosts a party at the Encore Beach Club. Gronk Beach is perfect for those of you who wished Baywatch was just a tad less intellectual.
Some of you are surely thinking, “Beach?! Las Vegas is a desert. There’s no ocean for 150 miles.” Hey, Gronk never did real well in geography.
SATURDAY AFTERNOON — The Taste of the NFL event takes place at 3pm. The hosts describe it as the “largest culinary philanthropic event held during Super Bowl weekend.” Truly amazing when you stop to consider all of the thousands of culinary philanthropic events held during Super Bowl weekend. And this one’s the largest? Incredible.
SATURDAY NIGHT — The Sports Illustrated Party will take place at the XS Nightclub. Musical acts include Bebe Rexhas and The Chainsmokers. Sports Illustrated’s hosting a party? Let’s hope the performers got paid in advance.
LATE SATURDAY NIGHT — The night before Super Bowl XXXIII, Falcons safety Eugene Robinson was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. The next day, a rattled Robinson gave up an 80-yard TD and the Falcons lost. Well, few towns have the sheer tonnage of sex workers that Vegas (where sex work is legal) does.
So who will decide this year’s Super Bowl? Could it be Destiny, who cruises the slots at Harrah’s? Or perhaps it’s Marge, the crafty vet who’s been trawling the Golden Nugget for years?
Obviously, we’re not wishing for any trouble. However, if a player has to do something boneheaded that gets them benched, as a Chiefs fan, let me just say I hope it’s Kadarius Toney.
