Play action pass, m’lady
Every year we’re blessed with a new version of Bill Belichick in Madden, but this year’s is something incredible.
Belichick is not a member of the NFL Coaches Union, which means EA Sports would need to negotiate separately with Belichick to use his likeness, something they’ve never done — furthermore I can’t imagine what it be like to call Bill and ask him about this. He’d probably throw the phone and scream a whole lot.
This year we got “Peter Gaffney,” an amazing bearded chap who has no resemblance to the Patriots coach at all. He does look like these people, however:
He looks like the ghost of Matt Patricia still haunting the Gillette Stadium halls.
He looks like a retired Jon Dowd
He looks like Big Al from Toy Story 2
He looks like he has a Twitter, but doesn’t have his name on it, and he comments under women’s sports posts with “not a real sport”.
He looks like someone who is absolutely not drinking any merlot with those people.
He looks like if you took all the joy away from Peter Griffin.
He looks like he goes to Mexican restaurants and intentionally mispronounces words. It’s “pollo”, not “polo”.
He looks like a character named “IT Guy No. 2” in a made-for-TV murder mystery.
He looks like what you get when you ask AI to draw a random offensive line coach.
He definitely does swim moves on random furniture in his house.
He looks like the long-lost brother of “Comic Book Guy,” who owns a board game store in Shelbyville.
He looks like he’s an absolute menace at your local anime conventions.
He looks like he has an elaborate fedora collection
This man absolutely says ‘m’lady’ a whole bunch
This is Louis C.K’s Tinder profile
He looks like he judges people who don’t think “Pulp Fiction” is the greatest movie of all time.
This is the bouncer at a Jason Aldean concert
He absolutely has his cell phone in a holder clipped to his belt
He looks like what you’d get if you ordered Brian Daboll on Wish.
This man is roaming the fastener aisle of Home Depot refusing to ask for help
He owns a riding mower that he has been arrested for driving on the highway
He really wants you to join his Everquest guild
He molds and paints his own Warhammer models (which I 100% respect him for)
He looks like he can recite the entire opening crawl of “The Empire Strikes Back” on memory
He looks like the best thing Madden has added to the game in about 15 years.
“Peter Gaffney, age 67 has been arrested for exposing himself in the parking lot of a Chuck-E-Cheese”
He looks like Stanley Tucci preparing for a film role as an NFL coach.
He looks like a substitute teacher at Hogwarts who teaches Defense Against the Dark Arithmetic.
“Three things can happen when you throw the ball and two of them are bad,” is a thing he’s muttered to himself watching Mac Jones throw an interception.
Peter Gaffney believes in “three yards and a cloud of dust,” and punting on third down “to set a tone.”
He looks like he punts on 4th-and-2 against the Colts.
This man played OG in high school and tells EVERYONE the story about when they won state (they never won state)
Pete Gaffney collects POGs
This man still pees in the pool
He definitely won first place in a Mr. Peanut lookalike contest
He’s been divorced three times, remarried again, and still looks up his exes on Facebook
Pete Gaffney owns a Utilikilt
Pete Gaffney has been banned from RenFaire
Pete Gaffney owns a two-handed longsword and has been arrested for using it at his nephew’s 6th birthday party. The children were terrified.
Frank Gadney, however, has not been banned from RenFaire. Looks a lot like this man, however…
Pete Gaffney doesn’t listen to music that was released post-Party Rock Anthem.
Pete Gaffney might not be a good coach. However, he looks like he can grill the HELL out of some barbecue.
