Irsay vs. Snyder, Jones vs. Kraft … let’s brawl.
The NFL ownership system is fractured. Billionaires are beefing, bickering openly in the media, and everything is going off the rails. The yearly ownership meeting is barely underway, and it’s already clear that we need a way to settle these disputes without a the peskiness of democracy. We need single combat.
As it stands everything in the NFL needs to be voted on and passed by a three-quarter majority of owners. That means that a total of 24 votes need to carry in order to affect any change. That’s fine on most things, but owners hate rocking the boat. They’re sporting oligarchs terrified of upsetting the status quo, so long as everyone is making money.
However, once in a great while we get a pioneer. An iconoclast, willing to step outside of the structure to make a grand declaration. On Tuesday that was Jim Irsay, who is leading the charge against Dan Snyder.
“I believe there is merit to removing him as owner of the [Commanders],” Irsay said from the hotel lobby of the Conrad New York Downtown. “There’s consideration that he should be removed.”
In response, the Commanders fired back, calling Irsay’s comments “inappropriate, but not surprising,” which are definitely some fighting words.
So, instead of some dumb vote … LET’S HAVE THEM FIGHT! Billionaires live a life of not needing to play by the rules, so we’re not putting them in a ring or a cage. This is an Anchorman style parking lot brawl, where anything goes. Handheld weapons are optional, but no firearms — because single combat requires more honor.
Jim Irsay vs. Dan Snyder
There is absolutely no doubt of what happens in this one. Irsay is rocking up to this fight in an Allman Brothers Band shirt, a set of brass knucks and looking like a sinewy fight dad.
Dan Snyder, meanwhile, is wearing a gi and bragging about the three years of taekwondo he’s taken. At no point does Snyder stop yapping about how badly he’s going to kick Irsay’s ass, while Jim is cracking his neck and looking completely unphased.
Snyder begins throwing some air kicks, which he believes displays his martial arts prowess. Then an onlooker notices that Snyder’s black belt still has the tag on it from a Spirit Halloween. Roger Goodell yells “FIGHT,” Irsay takes two steps towards him with his fists up, and Snyder collapses into a heap, weeping in the fetal position.
Some owners in attendance report that Snyder said “mommy,” though there are conflicting reports.
Jim Irsay wins by tap out in 0:03. Daniel Snyder is forced to sell the Washington Commanders, who are promptly purchased by Jeff Bezos.
Jerry Jones vs. Robert Kraft
We had more owner beef this week too. Jerry Jones has long been opposed to how much Roger Goodell is getting paid, but has never managed to make much of an impact in swaying the other owners to his side. On Tuesday a vote passed 31-1 in favor of negotiating a new contract for Goodell, with Jones as the lone dissenter — and he stepped to Kraft after it was done.
The sources said Kraft joined the overwhelming majority in strong support for the measure, with Jones the lone dissenter in the owners-only session, eventually telling Kraft, “Don’t f— with me.”
Kraft replied, “Excuse me?”
“Don’t mess with me,” Jones said.
This one is tricky. On the one hand, you have Kraft who absolutely knows how to use a switchblade, and Jerry who is unquestionably the dirtiest fighter in the entire NFL. This is a real toss up on who would win, with both looking to dust up on the inside and do damage. Nobody is staying at reach for this one.
Robert Kraft pops open his switchblade, tossing it from hand-to-hand. “Wanna dance, country boy?” he utters in a menacing tone, locking eyes with Jones, who is wearing nothing but an alarmingly short pair of shorts for a man of his age. It’s as if he borrowed them from John Stockton. This choice is purely for discrattionary purposes, and it works. Jones, almost fully disrobed, looks like King Viserys from House of the Dragon waiting for his gangrene treatment from the maesters.
Jerry has everyone right where he wants them.
Before the fight even begins, Jones rushes Kraft with the fury of disturbed raccoon guarding its trash pile. He bites, rakes the eyes, and claws at the genitals like a man possessed. Kraft drops his knife, overwhelmed by the onslaught — and he’s never fully able to recover.
Jones backs off for a moment, enough time to let Bob reach for his knife when …. POCKET SAND! Those tiny shorts were hiding a big surprise, and for once Jerry wasn’t talking about his penis. Kraft stumbles backwards, tripping over his own feet and smacking the back of his head into the pavement. He’s out cold.
Jerry Jones wins by TKO. Roger Goodell is deposed as commissioner of the NFL and replaced with Papa John.
Which NFL owner would win every fight?
Steve Bisciotti. Let’s be real, the Ravens would run the entire damn NFL and it’s not close.
Photo by Jared Wickerham/Getty Images
Every single photo of Bisciotti looks threatening. Sometimes he looks like a Bond villain, in others he’s a wealthy industrialist who has ordered a hit. This is a man who rarely even threatens violence, because he doesn’t need to, but make no mistake there will be blood if he’s pushed.
It’s like those rare scenes in The Sopranos where Tony decides to throw hands, and it’s alarming. Like, you’re just not prepared for him to actually be a physical threat, and you’re taken aback when it happens.
Every single NFL owner would stay on Bisciotti’s good side, and when a newcomer stepped to the throne he’d put them in their place in short order.
