May the 4th be with you.
Happy Star Wars day. It’s named that because it’s May 4th — and that sounds like “May the Force be with you.” Get it? The connections between the world of Star Wars and the NFL have existed for a long time. Bill Belichick will permanently and forever be known as Emperor Palpatine for a reason.
Now the Star Wars universe has expanded greatly thanks to the Galactic Empire Walt Disney Corporation, we can now spin out every quarterback in the NFL into a perfect analog in the universe. Let’s go.
AFC North
Lamar Jackson, Baltimore Ravens: Mace Windu
Extremely talented and a true dual threat. Also has an affinity for the color purple.
Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals: Princess Leia
Unquestionably cool, great hair, probably doesn’t get enough love for how great they are in action. Brought a proud organization back from the dead.
Deshaun Watson, Cleveland Browns: Jabba the Hutt
Kenny Pickett, Pittsburgh Steelers: Any random Ewok
Swooping hair. Tiny hands. Needs army of defenders to convince anyone he’s useful.
AFC East
Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills: Han Solo
Blue collar, heart of gold rogue who never should become an intergalactic hero — but somehow found a way. Also willing to run if the need arises.
Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins: Cassian Andor
Doesn’t look super intimidating, but has been through the fires and is battle-tested. Probably at his best blending in, but will sacrifice life and limb to execute a plan.
Mac Jones, New England Patriots: Director Krennic
Was supposed to be the Emperor’s right-hand man, struggled to live up to expectations.
Aaron Rodgers, New York Jets: Cara Dune
Seemed really cool for a while until we learned they were a weird conspiracy theorist associating with pond scum on social media.
AFC West
Russell Wilson, Denver Broncos: Watto
Too busy hawking cheap wares to be concerned with actually trying to win anything important.
Patrick Mahomes, Kansas City Chiefs: Luke Skywalker
The standard that everyone is looking to emulate. The ability to get himself out of any situation using athleticism, creativity, or a combination thereof.
Jimmy Garoppolo, Las Vegas Raiders: Poe Dameron
I mean…
Justin Herbert, Los Angeles Chargers: Chewbacca
Strong, lovable, great hair.
AFC South
C.J. Stroud, Houston Texans: Cad Bane
Extremely accurate with a lighting-quick release. Athletic enough to escape when necessary, but would rather stay his ground and fight.
Anthony Richardson, Indianapolis Colts: Lando Calrissian
Stylish, suave, with incredible upside. High potential to be the ultimate hero, or betray you when you count on him the most.
Trevor Lawrence, Jacksonville Jaguars: Jar-Jar Binks
I mean …
Ryan Tannehill, Tennessee Titans: Anakin Skywalker
Would rather kill the younger generation than tutor them. Whines a lot, while never really meeting his potential.
NFC North
Justin Fields, Chicago Bears: Millennium Falcon
Can hit lightspeed. Capable of making the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. Accuracy still a work in progress.
Jared Goff, Detroit Lions: Din Djarin
Accurate and more athletic than perhaps given credit for. Might be a product of the system, tools, and the talent around him.
Jordan Love, Green Bay Packers: Cal Kestis
Was being set up to eventually take the lead of a historic organization until he was viciously cut down by the person who was supposed to be getting him ready. Now there isn’t much hope.
Kirk Cousins, Minnesota Vikings: C3PO
Has made enough money he could be plated in gold. Otherwise a robot who doesn’t understand human emotion.
NFC East
Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys: Greedo
Very skilled, but rarely able to show it to a national audience because he gets blown away too early when it counts.
Daniel Jones, New York Giants: BB-8
Best when on the move. May or may not have arms.
Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles: Jango Fett
Resourceful improviser. Gets the job done. Now everyone is trying to find a clone of him.
Sam Howell, Washington Commanders: Finn
Basically has Storm Trooper skills, but horrified to find himself inside such an evil organization
NFC West
Kyler Murray, Arizona Cardinals: Darth Maul
Was super cool for a little while, then everyone realized he just kinda sucks.
Matthew Stafford, Los Angeles Rams: Bo-Katan Kryze
All the talent and pedigree in the universe, and now has the one thing they have been seeking all along.
Brock Purdy, San Francisco 49ers: Rey Skywalker
Ordained as the next chosen one to lead, although they cause some division among the fanbase.
Geno Smith, Seattle Seahawks: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Extremely talented and once viewed as the future. Disappeared for a while before an incredible comeback. Storm clouds, however, may be on the horizon.
NFC South
Desmond Ridder, Atlanta Falcons: Wedge Antilles
Seems nice and fine. Could be a hero, but from the second he was introduced he gave off strong “gonna crash and burn” vibes.
Bryce Young, Carolina Panthers: Grogu
Ludicrously skilled toddler that needs protection.
Derek Carr, New Orleans Saints: Migs Mayfeld
Admittedly more accurate than your generic Storm Trooper. But that’s not the most impressive bar to clear.
Baker Mayfield, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Generic Storm Trooper
Inaccurate with an over-inflated sense of confidence in a firefight. As likely to hit his target as shoot his own soldier in the back by accident.
