Spending Super Bowl week reading children’s books.
Something caught my eye while perusing Target, as I’m wont to do. Two smiling faces and a gilded spine beckoned me to expand my horizons with the power of reading. The Kelce Brothers is a children’s biography from the “Little Golden Book” company, and it’s the fastest $5.99 I’ve ever spent.
A robust 23 pages later I know precisely nothing I didn’t already about Jason and Travis Kelce. After all, this is intended for children who know nothing about them — which makes me question which child sees The Kelce Brothers on the stand and wants to learn about them without knowing something about them.
Actually, I take that back. I did learn a few things about the Kelce’s such as:
No. 1: Travis Kelce failed French and was forced to sit out his sophomore season in high school.
No. 2: Donna’s lunch for her sons consisted of two whole chickens, french fries, soup, chips, and cookies. Also, Jason had a bowl cut. Travis could tear a drumstick off a chicken while leaving two intact drumsticks on his chicken.
No. 3: The illustrators at “Little Golden Book” are fantastic, but they also possess a rare quality to take two objectively beautiful people Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift and make them look like a derpy couple shopping for shower curtain hooks in Walmart.
The book is about explaining why Jason and Travis are so good, what their jobs on the football field are, and reminding you over, and over, and over, and over again that they are brothers. Of the 23 pages in the book the word “brother” or “brothers” is mentioned 11 times. This is especially impressive considering that at least four pages are devoted exclusively to Jason’s Super Bowl run and the ensuing parade in 2018.
The Kelce Brothers is also a great reminder to the kids that podcasting is the wave of the future. Truthfully, I only mention this so you can appreciate how uncanny the valley is when it comes to this illustration.
So, should you read this book? If you’re an adult, no. It’s intended for children with a reading range of 5-8. Should you buy it for a child you know? I mean, only if they’re really obsessed with either one (or both) of the Kelce brothers, and even then it’s a bit of a push.
If they love the Kelces that much then they know all the information contained in this book. The only person who The Kelce Brothers is absolutely for is Swifties. They need to know every bit of information about Travis they can glean, making the Little Golden Book a quick cheat-sheet with two pictures of Taylor Swift they’ve likely never seen this before.
I give this book two brothers out of ten.
