OKAY, WHO AROUND HERE IS CALLING IT ‘GOOCH GREASE’?

CONFESS NOW. WHICH ONE OF YOU SAYS THIS?

I’M SORRY BUT WE NEED ALL CAPS FOR THIS ONE FOLKS, BECAUSE THERE’S A NEWS REPORT CIRCULATING THAT STOPPED ME IN MY DAMN TRACKS.

GOOCH GREASE. I MEAN, GOOCH GREASE. GOOCH GREASE? FOR THE UNINFORMED WE’RE TALKING ABOUT SWAMP ASS HERE, AND LOOK — I GET IT. I GREW UP IN AUSTRALIA WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING, THEN DECIDED TO MOVE TO THE SOUTH. THERE’S NO AVOIDING DOWNSTAIRS MOISTNESS, AND THAT’S WHY WE CALL IT SWAMP ASS (OR “SWASS” IF YOU’RE FEELING FANCY), BECAUSE “DOWNSTAIRS MOISTNESS” IS SUCH A DISGUSTING PHRASE THAT IT’S SOMEHOW EVEN WORSE THAN “GOOCH GREASE.”

STILL… GOOCH GREASE?! IS THIS A TEXAS THING? IS THIS LIKE ONE OF THOSE WEIRD REGIONAL QUIZZES WHERE THE MIDWEST CALLS SODA “POP” AND THEN A SMALL BELT OF SOUTH DAKOTA CALL IT “FIZZWHOPPER” OR SOME SHIT?

IF THIS IS THE CASE THEN WE ABSOLUTELY NEED TO DISCUSS THIS, TEXAS. I KNOW Y’ALL LIKE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENT DOWN THERE BUT “GOOCH GREASE” IS NOT OKAY. NOTE HOW THIS HOUSTON REPORT PHRASES IT TOO — “EXCESS GOOCH GREASE.” THIS ASSUMES THERE’S AN ACCEPTABLE AMOUNT OF GOOCH GREASE, A NECESSARY APPLICATION OF GOOCH GREASE IN ORDER TO LIVE COMFORTABLY.

YOUR GRUNDLE IS NOT THE TRANSMISSION OF A 1997 FORD F150. IT DOES NOT REQUIRE LUBRICATION. IF YOU ARE EXCRETING TAINT GREASE THEN YOU ARE CONSUMING TOO MUCH BBQ AND NEED TO CONSULT A DOCTOR.

I’m really sorry for yelling, I just truly detest “gooch grease.” If this has become such a problem that we need creative solutions like this then we might as well go all out. If LSU is putting air conditioning in their helmets then we could, nay SHOULD attach an entire PC watercooler to our underpants, radiator and all.

If it means that part of this country stop calling it “gooch grease,” then it’s worth it.