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Because the US government is having such a tough time finding a new speaker, we helped them out
In case you haven’t heard, the House of Representatives is looking for a new speaker. With Republicans securing a majority of seats in the House of Representatives following November’s midterm elections, it was expected that Republican Kevin McCarthy, the House Minority Leader, would be voted into that role with the new Congress. With the new Congress opening on Jan. 3, the new Speaker of the House has to be chosen for new members to be sworn in.
So far…nothing.
Like literally nothing.
Rep. McCarthy can’t get enough votes to close the deal, having fallen short on — at the time of this piece — eleven-straight ballots, and it seems like the House just can’t choose a Speaker of the House.
Luckily for them, we here at SB Nation have multiple fine candidates from the sports world who can serve as Speaker of the House. Congress should give these people a call and let them serve. After all, if Tommy Tuberville can be a senator, anyone can.
Houston Nutt
Heard your House of Representatives could use some heppin’! The former college football head coach has experience leading a group of people who probably don’t like each other very much, and if they can pry him off of CBS, he could serve in full capacity.
Just don’t ask about those recruiting violations.
The Rock
Everyone seems to think The Rock will run for President (2024 looms large), so why not start him off with something on a smaller role than running an entire country. If it has to do with speaking, why not get one of the greatest speakers in professional wrestling history? Imagine The Rock telling someone to know their role and shut their mouth—that would be awesome! Of course you have to pry him away from being in superhero movies that end up not being that great, but I’m sure if you give him a spot on the Wrestlemania card he’ll show up.
Mitchell Trubisky
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Mitchell Trubisky, particularly during his rookie season with the Chicago Bears, struggled throwing to the left side of the field.
Struggles to the left? Might make him the perfect consolation candidate for the Republican Party.
Rob Gronkowski
Why wouldn’t we include the Tasmanian Devil of incredible vibes on this list? Gronk isn’t doing anything except filming USAA commercials, so he should be free about now. And at the current rate, if this gets to a 69th ballot, US law states that Gronk becomes the Speaker.
Jeff Saturday
Well, I mean, why not? The head coaching thing seems to not be working out, so perhaps another job opportunity that seemingly comes out of nowhere is in his future.
Scott Steiner
You know they say that all representatives are created equal, but you look at me and you look at Kevin McCarthy and you can see that statement is not true. See, normally if you go one on one with another speaker candidate, you got a 50/50 chance of winning.
But I’m a genetic freak and I’m not normal! So you got a 25%, AT BEST, at beat me. Then you add Byron Donalds to the mix, your chances of winning drastic go down. See, the three-way for the Speaker of the House, you got a thirty three and a third chance of winning. But I! I got a sixty six and two-thirds chance of winning, cuz Byron Donalds KNOWS he can’t beat me, and he’s not even gonna try.
So, Kevin McCarthy, you take your thirty three and a third chance minus my twenty five percent chance and you got an eight and a third chance of winning the Speaker of the House. But then you take my 75 perchance-chance of winnin’ (if we was to go one on one), and then add sixty six and two thirds…percents, I got a one hundred fourty one and two-thirds chance of winning Speaker of the House! See Kevin McCarthy? The numbers don’t lie, and they spell disaster for you getting the Speaker of the House role.
Air Bud
A universally beloved figurehead who can unite the gaps between people through the sheer force of being a very good doggo? Of course he should be Speaker of the House! Add on the fact that he can absolutely ball and you have a shoo in for the next leader of the house.
Bobby Petrino
The ink is barely drawn on his new job as Texas A&M offensive coordinator, but that hasn’t stopped him from switching to a better job. The Speaker’s salary is $223,500, which would be a pay cut from his current job. Of course, we know there are plenty of ways to earn a few extra bucks from lobbyists, and I imagine Petrino would be all over those opportunities.
