Time for an adventure.
Frank Reich is the new interim coach at Stanford, hired earlier this week by general manager Andrew Luck. When I found out that Reich accepted the job while shopping at Costco — but not just any Costco, but my Costco, well — it ignited something inside of me.
Per Andrew Luck, he called Frank Reich to see if he was interested in the Stanford interim job last week while Reich was “shopping at a Costco in Greensboro, NC.”
— David Hale (@adavidhalejoint.bsky.social) 2025-04-01T19:05:43.444Z
I have lived in Greensboro, North Carolina for the last 21 years — give or take a few, where I was forced out of state while my wife did her PhD. This is my backyard, and if Frank Reich accepted a job in the aisles of Costco then I knew where I had to go.
The Costco. I was hunting the most dangerous game: A football coach.
Let me establish right now that this photo is not indicative of the chaos I endured inside the Costco. It turns out that choosing to shop at a economy store the day massive tariffs go into effect is a terrible idea. Everyone was in there panic shopping for paper goods, meat, and toothpaste. However, I thought this might play into my favor. Nobody loves economy and efficiency like a football coach, so this would be the ideal day to find Frank Reich.
I began my search in the most logical place I could think of: The Frank section.
Sadly where was no Frank Reich either in the aisle, or the entire frozen section. Yes, I ended up buying 28 hot dogs. Thank you for asking. My plan is to keep them until the 4th of July. Don’t ask me why I decided to buy hot dogs three months in advance — it made sense in my head at the time.
So, no Reich by the franks. Probably a little too on the nose. I needed to think like a football coach who shops at a Costco. A man of the people. I needed to evaluate what people are looking for when they go to Costco, because that’s where I would find a 63-year-old football coach who is bulk shopping for his household.
Rotisserie chicken time. I asked the lovely man behind the counter if he had seen Frank Reich. He responded by telling me that Frank isn’t working today, but also said he didn’t know what his last name was. So either Frank Reich is moonlighting as a Costco employee or I confused a poor employee.
Nevertheless there was no Reich in the meat department, or the rotisseries chickens.
I had searched a lot of the Costco at this point and was feeling pretty down about whether or not Frank Reich was at the Costco. This just got me thinking though: Reich did a Costco shop less than a week ago. Why the heck would he be back in the store now? It was a real crisis of confidence, and perhaps I’d misjudged this entire thing.
What does a man who has already shopped at Costco go back to Costco for? YARD FURNISHINGS! I saw it out of the corner of my eye, a lovely discount gazebo set which I kind of want to buy myself, but I thought maybe Frank would also like it.
Alas, not even the sophisticated allure of the “YARDISTRY 12.1 x 14.1 GAZEBO” with accompanying “AGIO VALMAR 5 PC DEEP SEATING SET WITH FIRE TABLE” was enough to lure Frank Reich like a bear trying to steal a knapsack of food from campers.
At this point I was desperate. I couldn’t find Frank Reich anywhere in this giant store, so I searched behind some mattresses for some reason.
I DON’T KNOW WHY I SEARCHED BEHIND MATTRESSES FOR FRANK REICH, OKAY?! THIS WAS MY HAIL MARY AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF I WASN’T SHAMED FOR IT.
At this point the package of hot dogs was making my forearm cold because I was carrying it under my arm like a suitcase. At least three times I thought about returning the hot dogs because it was dumb to buy hot dogs, but my brain told me I had to buy something as part of this search, like I was window shopping in an independent bookstore and had to purchase something out of wanting the place to stay open.
I had to wait in line 17 minutes to buy these hot dogs. Like I said, the panic shopping was wild.
Dejected, and without Frank Reich I decided to treat myself to something the semi-literate New Jersey TikTok kids love: A Chicken Bake.
It was just fine. Like the rest of my day at Costco it was disappointing. But hey, at least I have 28 hot dogs now — and isn’t that the true meaning of Costco?
