Photo by Marc Piasecki/Getty Images For Paramount
Let’s help the Grizzlies!
It’s been a tumultuous 12 months for the Memphis Grizzlies with Ja Morant getting into off-court trouble and the team collapsing in the playoffs against the Lakers — but rest assured, they have a plan.
The team is tackling the issue head-on by banning that daggum rap music.
While Morant was away, the team made changes. The rap soundtrack played during the team’s layup lines was replaced by R&B songs, prompting Jaren Jackson Jr. to playfully complain in the locker room postgame about being forced to “warm up to love songs.” The pregame hype video played before starting lineup introductions was edited to remove lyrics of the Trippie Redd song “Psycho,” playing only the bass-thumping beat.
Ah yes, that solves all the issues. It’s that violent rap music causing players to act like fools. In an effort to help the Grizzlies in their mission of becoming as bland as possible we have decided to craft them the most inoffensive playlist imaginable. Songs that have no possibility of being interpreted any way than saccharine sweet and devoid of meaning. It helps to ensure everyone stays on that straight and narrow.
“Don’t Worry, Be Happy” — Bobby McFerrin
In their countdown of the 50 worst songs ever written, Blender had this to say about a song that actually won a Grammy for Album of the Year: “[i]t’s difficult to think of a song more likely to plunge you into suicidal despondency than this.”
So, perfect!
“Achy Breaky Heart” — Billy Ray Cyrus
Just go ahead and wildly swing in the opposite direction on the musical spectrum. Get some line dancing going in the stands.
“Friday” — Rebecca Black
We still really have no absolute idea what this song is about. But it was a thing for a short period of time. We think there was a mention of cereal or something. Maybe a reference to partying is pushing the envelope too much for this version of the Grizzlies, but we thing it’s okay.
“Barbie Girl” — Aqua
Admit it. It’s in your head now and you’re already annoyed.
“Why Can’t We Be Friends?” — War
Not gonna lie, this song is a banger. I considered omitting it from the list because the band’s name is “War” and there is a line where he mentions wine, but I think this might still be okay for the Grizzlies.
“Everything Is Awesome” — Tegan and Sara feat. The Lonely Island
Who wouldn’t want to bop their heads to this Lego Movie jam? It’s a brainworm that’s impossible to remove.
“Singin’ In The Rain” — Gene Kelly
What a wholesome message. No matter how bleak things might look there’s always a reason to find happiness. That’s a message everyone can enjoy.
“Paw Patrol Theme Song” — Scott Simons
As far as cartoon themes go, this one goes pretty hard.
“Fruit Salad” — The Wiggles
We could really put the entire discography of The Wiggles on this playlist, but let’s go with their seminal hit “Fruit Salad.” It’s a positive song that inspires healthy eating habits as it informs us that fruit salad is indeed “yummy, yummy.”
“Sweet Caroline” — Neil Diamond
“Don’t Stop Believin’” — Journey
Let’s throw in a one-two punch of inoffensive songs white people can’t help but sing along to whenever they play. The white people version of Dreams and Nightmares.
“The Christmas Shoes” — NewSong
Is it weird to play a Christmas song during the entire NBA season? Yes. Is this a margin call because the mom dies and we’re aiming for no violence? Also yes. That said, The Christmas Shoes is designed to be the most uplifting song of the season. Why keep it confined to the holiday season when we can have it EVERY NIGHT?
“God is Bigger than the Boogeyman” —VeggieTales
No matter what you feel or how you’re feeling, VeggieTales comes in with a banger to tell you not to be worried. God is bigger than the Boogeyman, and a 25 game suspension.
“Locked out of Heaven” – Kidz Bop Version
It MUST be the Kidz Bop version only.
“The Bluey Theme Song” —Bluey
Look, man. This show is special and the theme song is a perfect mix of energy and positivity.
“Africa” —Toto
Once you hear those xylophones kick in, you can’t possibly have any bad thoughts throughout the entirety of the song.
“Unwritten” —Natasha Bedingfield
(/inhales) FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN! NO ONE ELSE CAN FEEL IT FOR YOU! ONLY YOU CAN LET IT IN!
“Upside Down” —Jack Johnson
It’s such a peaceful song, and the fact that it’s from such a peaceful movie like Curious George makes it even better. You simply have to embrace the warm hug that is this song.
