The Commanders turned a Ravens preseason game into their personal Super Bowl

The Commanders ended the Ravens’ historic preseason winning streak, and celebrated it like a championship.

Something incredible happened on Monday night, and unless you’re a die-hard NFL sicko, you likely missed it. On paper nothing about a Commanders vs. Ravens preseason game on Monday Night Football made it compelling enough to become must-watch football, but for Washington they turned a glorified practice into their own personal Super Bowl.

The Commanders haven’t had many chances to make or break history in recent years. It’s more or less been a football fugue state waiting for Dan Snyder to go away. Now that he’s gone there was an opportunity to make a statement at FedEx field, and the Ravens’ peerless undefeated preseason record became their Waterloo.

They guaranteed a victory … in preseason

This might be the first time in history that anyone has gone Joe Namath over a preseason game. Guard Sam Cosmi was ready to make a bold proclamation before the opening kickoff on Monday.

“I think it’s a stupid record. I mean, who gives a shit about preseason games? If we beat it, great. We’re gonna beat it, so there we go.”

It’s so incredibly beautiful to hear this kind of talk from a guard. No offense to the guards out there, but it’s difficult to find a position less capable of impacting the outcome of a game on their own than a guard. When it’s the quarterback, sure, that makes sense. A pass rusher? Now we’re getting a little further from it.

A guard, though? Don’t get me wrong, I love guards. Everyone needs big meaty men slapping meat, but I truly don’t understand what Cosmi thought he was going to be able to do in order to guarantee this victory.

In the end it all worked out, but man … it’s hilarious to think of guaranteeing victory in preseason.

Josh Harris and the most awkward handshake in history

This wasn’t just a big night for the players, it was a chance for new ownership to make their mark. At one point, Josh Harris joined Joe Buck and Troy Aikman in the booth and gave us one of the most bizarre interactions ever.

I watched this about 100 times and it never stops being funny. Being less awkward than Dan Snyder is such an easy bar to clear you can step over it, and yet Harris shook Buck’s hand with the enthusiasm of a bargain hunter trying to close a deal at a yard sale for 75 cent Alf decorative plate.

Sam Cosmi did the griddy

If you guarantee a victory you’ve gotta dance when things are going well … in the second quarter of a preseason game.

When the dust settled we had a massive celebration

I’ve never seen a team celebrate a preseason W like this. I know the Ravens were on a 24-game preseason winning streak, but this party on the field was a lot.

We got our first Magic Johnson tweet about the Commanders

Magic is the world’s most obvious tweeter, and it was a matter of time before we got incredible takes about the Commanders from one of the team’s new owners. He didn’t let us down.

I agree, Magic. It was a lot of fun for Commanders fans.

So ended a glorious night in the DMV. Not only did Washington beat their local non-division rivals, but turned this into the biggest moment in franchise history. Live your best life, Commanders — because to the victor of preseason go the meager spoils.