This British cheesesteak is the greatest insult to Philadelphia since Rocky V

What are you doing, England?

It’s time to once again make you aware of British stadium food. This time it’s an attempt at a cheesesteak, and it’s going to be more effective at curbing your appetite than Ozempic.

If I saw this without reading the caption I’d assume this was a cross-section of Bart Simpson’s head. It’s impressive when you fundamentally have a sandwich consisting of three ingredients, and the only one you get correct is bread.

The meat, unchopped, is at best a frozen Steak-Um thrown on a dry flattop. Being England I assume it’s actually some sort of frozen doner kebab meat. Instead of cooking it together with the cheese to form the Holy Union which is the cheesesteak, they’re left separate. The cheese unmelted, incapable of realizing its dream. Peppers, hastily thrown on for color.

Back to the steak for a second, it’s pretty impressive to make any piece of meat simultaneously look grey, overcooked, and undercooked at the same time. I feel horrible that someone in England has heard about cheesesteaks, got excited about this sandwich, and then received this wrapped in aluminum foil like a mummy, never supposed to see the light of day — and dry as a wrapped Pharaoh as well.

It was bad enough to make Philly’s MLS team question things.

We need to help our former colonial rulers.