Photo by Michal Fludra/NurPhoto via Getty Images
Bad cookies, abnormally large chocolate, and … creatine?
Halloween is right around the corner, and while it’s one of the most important nights for kids — its a night that will define your reputation as an adult. It’s on you to decide what kind of house you’ll be known as: One that hands out the full size bars, leaves a meager bowl of candy on the stoop which is all gone after the second group of kids, or the shut-in who leaves the porch lights off and pretends they’re not home.
If there’s one thing coaches in the NFL know it’s that reputation matters. Therefore, we imagined what each NFL head coach would be offering to trick or treaters in 2022, based on extreme research and a full personality analysis. Okay, it was mostly us cracking jokes in Slack but LET’S GO!
AFC East
Sean McDermott (Buffalo Bills)
Porcelana cocoa beans, Tahitian vanilla, buffalo milk and fleur de sel
Sean McDermott is going to expect you to put the work in. He’s going to give you all the tools to succeed, and ask that you return to him with something fully developed and incredible.
Mike McDaniel (Miami Dolphins)
Banzai Sour Shooters, an experimental candy which won’t hit the market until 2023
The result of a year of market research, Mike McDaniel charted international candy trends and changing tastes to predict not what’s popular now — but what will be the hottest candy in the future. He’s found some weird new candy nobody has ever heard of, and while it tasted really good at first you’re still not 100% sure whether it’s good or not.
Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)
Reece’s Cups, Reece’s Pieces, Skittles, Sour Skittles
Photo by: Education Images/Universal Images Group via Getty Images
The temptation is to brand Bill as a Halloween-hating malcontent, but the truth is that he loves it, and it’s pretty much the only time of the year he isn’t scary. Belichick is going to be predictable, play the hits, and win you over because of it.
Robert Saleh (New York Jets)
Salted peanuts
You’re going to look confused when he puts a bag of peanuts in your bag, maybe even a little angry — but when you’re crashing two hours into walking and need a protein boost they come in clutch. They’re no-nonsense, they’re not flashy, but damn if they don’t end up being the most important treat you get on Halloween.
AFC West
Nathaniel Hackett (Denver Broncos)
His business card
“Give this to your parents, please,” Hackett says to each child knocking on his door. There’s also writing on the wall. It says “Happy Halloween” and an egg has been thrown at it.
Andy Reid (Kansas City Chiefs)
Those comically large Toblerone bars you only see around the holidays
Taking the concept of the full size bar to the extreme, Andy Reid is giving each child nine pounds of quality Swiss chocolate. It’s ridiculous, excessive, and perfect — all at the same time.
Josh McDaniels (Las Vegas Raiders)
Ice cream
Conceptually it’s fine, but this just does not work in practice. He’ll put an ice cream bar in every bag, it’ll melt and become a huge mess — and everyone will say he should have learned when he tried to hand out ice cream back in Denver. McDaniels hasn’t found a way to make ice cream work since his last Halloween in charge, and it’s a mess again.
Brandon Staley (Los Angeles Chargers)
Stale Mr. Goodbars that have turned white with age
You get something perfectly fine, but it’s not quite right. Staley smiles the whole time as you unwrap it, then sees the disappointment wash over your face. “Chew it a while,” he says, “it’ll improve, I promise.” It tastes okay, but you wish it was better — and it should have been better.
AFC North
John Harbaugh (Baltimore Ravens)
Nothing
Harbaugh will open the door and tell you that you have more than enough candy to work with and asking for anything more is greedy. It’s not said in a mean way, it’s just cold and unfair. You don’t even know if he really believes it, or if he’s just parroting what he’s been told to say.
Zac Taylor (Cincinnati Bengals)
To be announced
Taylor is waiting to find out what Sean McVay is giving out at his house, then he’ll just copy that.
Kevin Stefanski (Cleveland Browns)
Milk Duds he kept in his pocket and now they’re covered in hair and dirt
At some point Stefanski was handed a perfectly good box of Milk Duds, and showed them absolutely no care. Now they suck. They’re disappointing and you wonder if this is his last Halloween giving out candy. Stefanski promises that if you come back in a few weeks the candy will be much better, because he ordered some really expensive candy — but by then it’s too little, too late.
Mike Tomlin (Pittsburgh Steelers)
That terrible bulk chocolate that’s mostly palm oil and tastes terrible
It used to be amazing going to Mike Tomlin’s house. Now he’s just checked out and his candy totally sucks.
AFC South
Lovie Smith (Houston Texans)
Charleston Chew
Nobody is getting excited by Charleston Chew. It’s the definition of settling. It’s probably better than it’s given credit, but let’s face it: It’s never winning any trophies.
Frank Reich (Indianapolis Colts)
Leftover candy from another coach’s house
Reich doesn’t really know what to hand out. He just dumpster dives for whatever’s leftover from other coaches. Some years it works fine, others it’s hugely disappointing. You can’t shake the feeling he might not be better off if he just tried something bold for himself, rather than re-hashing everyone else’s stale remains.
Doug Pederson (Jacksonville Jaguars)
Bubblegum
Photo by David J. Griffin/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images
Look, it’s a damn sight better than the trash that Jacksonville coaches have been giving out in years’ past — but it’s still not great. With all the resources and funds at his disposal you’d think Pederson could bring something better to town that boring old gum. At least it’s not offensively bad this year, like when Urban Meyer handed out fake dollar bills with pictures of Jesus on them and said if you complained he’d call your school and get you kicked out.
Mike Vrabel (Tennessee Titans)
Skittles, Sour Skittles
Vrabel isn’t new or original, but he did learn some things from Bill Belichick. As a result he’s kind of the discount version, and as such has half of the offerings that Bill does at his house. It’s good enough to keep people knocking on his door, but not spectacular enough to dominate Halloween.
NFC East
Mike McCarthy (Dallas Cowboys)
Baby Ruth
It’s a really unfairly slammed chocolate bar that’s better than it’s given credit for. Sure, it’s a “Jack of all trades, master of none” situation — but it’s absolutely good enough to get the job done. That said, it also can be kind of inconsistent. Some Baby Ruth bars are perfect, unwrapping as intended — then some are cracked, have been dropped, and have peanuts falling out of it and causing a huge mess on the floor. Still, you could do a whole lot worse.
Brian Daboll (New York Giants)
Home made chocolate truffles that look like pieces of dog shit
Photo by Elisabetta Zavoli/Getty Images
Daboll opens his door and hands you a Ziplock bag of truffles. They look absolutely awful, and you say “thanks” to be polite. Honestly, they’re a little scary. Then you get home, eat one, and realize they taste so much better than they ever looked. This is a man who knows how to bake, create, and you’re lucky to have knocked on his door. Sure, the candy isn’t pretty — but damn it’s effective.
Nick Sirianni (Philadelphia Eagles)
The best trail mix you’ve had in your life
It’s really easy to roll your eyes when someone says they’re offering trail mix for Halloween, but Sirianni just makes it work. Every ingredient is balanced, and it’s all come together to create a perfect symphony of tastes and textures. It took a while to find the missing ingredient, the spark to put it all together — but this year Sirianni has mastered the recipe.
Ron Rivera (Washington Commanders)
Chick-fil-A nuggets
They taste really good. Kids love them, adults love them — they’re meaty and fulfilling. It’s unfortunate you know the nuggets came from a company with such horrible owners, and feel a little guilty enjoying them knowing where they came from.
NFC West
Kliff Kingsbury (Arizona Cardinals)
A crisp $100 bill
Kingsbury forgot it was Halloween. He answered the door thinking it was the Pad Thai he ordered from Doordash. So, he’ll take a Benjamin out of his wallet and stuff it in your bag, and keep doing for everyone who knocks on the door until his food arrives. Then he’s turning the lights off and getting back to his sexy party, which isn’t a Halloween thing — it’s just a Monday thing.
Sean McVay (Los Angeles Rams)
Every Starburst in North America
McVay is in Halloween win-now mode, and he’s buying up every Starburst in America so nobody else has access to them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great candy. Everyone loves it. It’s a winner. At this point it just doesn’t hit the same way anymore. The idea is still good, but it’s gotten a little stale and feels like it’s on its last legs before a reboot.
Pete Carroll (Seattle Seahawks)
A pamphlet outlining the “truths” of 9/11
Carroll isn’t going to give you candy — because he has something even better: Knowledge. After 14 minutes about hearing about the melting point of steel beams you just want to leave and the whole thing has gotten uncomfortable.
Kyle Shanahan (San Francisco 49ers)
Lackluster home made cookies
Photo by Pablo Barrera/Anadolu Agency via Getty Images
Shanahan has been trying this recipe forever, and he’s convinced it’s good despite everyone telling him it’s mediocre. There have been ample suggestions over the years on how he could improve his cookies, but he’s not listening. You’re getting this recipe in 2022, 2023, and every year in perpetuity.
NFC North
Matt Eberflus (Chicago Bears)
Only candy you’re allergic to
This is so frustrating, because Eberflus knows what candy would work for you and give you a great Halloween, but he’s tailored his candy gameplan to only give out items each trick or treater is allergic to. He knows there’s no way of succeeding under these conditions, but he’s going to keep trying and insisting it’s going to work.
Dan Campbell (Detroit Lions)
A bottle of creatine and a motivational speech
It’s confusing to be given supplements. You don’t really know what creatine even is. Campbell finds a way to sell you on it. After three minutes you not only think creatine is a great treat, but that it’s the most important thing in your life that will change all your fortunes in an instant.
Matt LaFleur (Geen Bay Packers)
A lesson on the dangers of recreational drug use
Like an anti-drug assembly in school, Matt LeFleur is here to warn you about trying new substances. He seems oddly insistent that recreational drugs will make you start hanging out with the wrong people, losing motivation at work, and he keeps randomly muttering about ayahuasca for some reason.
Kevin O’Connell (Minnesota Vikings)
Fun size Snickers
It’s fine. I mean, it’s good. It’s not quite great though? Look — it’s okay. The fun size Snickers is an absolutely acceptable Halloween treat, but O’Connell just moved into the neighborhood and you wish he gave out a more convincing candy. It’s not enough to complain, but you can’t shake the feeling that the fun size Snickers just won’t be able to hang with some of the better candies around the league.
NFC South
Arthur Smith (Atlanta Falcons)
A curated selection of candy, all of which have absolutely no fiber
Everything Smith is handing out is fine, but it’s a little weird that he’s making a concerted effort to do everything he can to not target a tight end.
Steve Wilks (Carolina Panthers)
A bag of Sour Patch kids that were left open in a garage for two years
Wilks just arrived in the neighborhood, and to be honest he wasn’t really prepared for Halloween. There was an old bag of Sour Patch kids, so he’s handing those out — and even though they’re a little damp, and hard, somehow at the same time, he’s oddly making this work. None of this makes sense, the candy should suck, but it’s bizarrely looking like a successful Halloween now.
Dennis Allen (New Orleans Saints)
Mealy red delicious apples
Every year the coach’s house in New Orleans has some awesome candy, but you knocked on the door this year and a dude opened the door who looked a lot older than he was, and he gave you some really terrible apples that weren’t old, just poorly chosen.
Todd Bowles (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
Artisanal agave-sweetened seed clusters
Todd Bowles is contractually obligated to only hand out sweets which are low in glycemic index and allowed in the TB12 method. These seed clusters would be fine if you ate them as a snack on a hike, but they’re just not going to hang on Halloween. You leave disappointed and wishing there was more.
Special thanks to JP Acosta, Mark Schofield, Ricky O’Donnell and Hector Diaz for assistance and inspiration with this extremely dumb idea.
